Ran some errands today. Got the affidavit of survivorship filed with the county on  the house, paid the utility bill for the month, did some other stuff.

And now I'm absolutely exhausted.  Sometimes this all has a physical pain associated with it, but today, I feel like someone dropped a big chunk of gravity on me.

Everything is five  times as hard as it should  be. I'm pushing myself to do some things, because I know if I don't, I'll just stay in bed and do NOTHING, but right now I have reached the limit of what I can do.

Gigantic chunk of gravity, go away. I have stuff to do.

2 weeks after

Well...
I've been told I should chart my progress.  So I guess I will.  Such as it is.  I'm sure many of the posts on this blog are going to be whiny and depressing and will inspire anyone who reads it to think "jeez, just get OVER IT already and post about something NOT "oh poor me"", but that's where I am right now.

2 weeks have gone by since Kev died.  1 week since the funeral service.
Last night was a bad night.
Not much sleep, and what I did get was not GOOD sleep.
Yesterday was a decent day; I was in at least an even mood for most of the day...but last night, I turned out the light and everything slammed into me.  After sobbing for about half an hour, in which I could barely even move, let alone call anyone, it stopped.  I was "OK" after that, but calling anyone or talking to anyone would've just reopened everything and my head was already pounding so I just read for a bit to try to settle down.
Because of that, I didn't actually get to sleep until after midnight and I think I woke up about a berjillion times.  So....yeah, today is not a good day, either.

I am going to check the schedule and see if there's leeway to take tomorrow all day and maybe Friday morning off, so I can have some "down time" for a bit.  I don't know if it'll help, but I do know the sleep / rest will.

Plus, cleaning.  I need to get more cleaned up.  Not just want...NEED.

And I gotta hit eBay and check out the going rate on some of the stuff I want to get rid of, like the Roleplaying books...although I do plan to give certain people first crack at them (Tom, Kae, looking at you...let me know if you're interested and I'll send you a list of what I can find.  It's not all D&D stuff).

Anyway, that's where I am today.  The light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and it hit me at full speed last night.  To quote the great Egon Spengler: "I feel like the floor of a taxicab."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Obviously nothing makes the pain go away.  But honestly, spending time with friends helps, because it gives a break from the pain and my own thoughts.

The problem is, I have all these people who say "if there's anything I can do, just say so"...but...

From early on, most people are trained that "it's not polite to invite yourself over to someone's house".  Yet, that's what I really need to do...call them and ask, "Hey, do you have some time where I could come over?"  And boy HOWDY does that feel icky.  Especially since most of it is going to be after work...which means I'm inviting myself over for dinner, too.  Man.  Talk about presumptuous and rude.

If there's someone in your life that has lost a loved one, and you don't know what to do to help...please, invite them over.  They won't necessarily call and ask, because see above about "icky" and "it's presumptuous and rude to invite yourself to someone's house", but man do they need people and to get out of the house and visit.  And keep inviting them.  Let them know you're there and that you will be there for them.   Make the invitations for a specific date and time - find something that works for both you and them and make concrete plans.  Seriously, it's hard to overcome that early training and call someone and say "can I come over"...and quite frankly, the person mourning is having to deal with enough as it is without having to deal with that too.

Maybe eventually they'll be able to say "hey, can I come over" without feeling weird about it.

Back to work...

So...everything is just WEIRD.  The house is quiet -- TOO quiet.  Where Kev went, there went sound.  So yeah, that's strange.

Got the checkbook mostly updated, and it's "close enough for now".  So there's that.

I"ve heard it said that when someone you love dies, they leave a "that person"-shaped hole in your heart.  It's not true.  When you really love someone, they permeate every part of your life, like tree roots in the ground.  So when they die...it's not a "that person"-shaped hole...those roots, those tendrils are *ripped* out.  It doesn't leave a hole...it shreds your heart.

Thanks be to God for His support and love, and His wisdom in providing many, MANY friends and family to help.  It's been a phenomenally difficult couple of weeks, but my family,  the members of Zion, and my friends at work have all been incredibly supportive and helpful.

I don't know if Kev ever knew or realized how MANY people's lives he touched, and how many people will miss him.  

How to Permanently Fix the Lutheran Service Book Organists Edition

Subtitle: My parents are geniuses.

THE PROBLEM:
The Lutheran Service Book Organists Edition (Hymns) is a great book, but the spiral binding that holds the pages together is held into the cover with a piece of plastic.  After a couple years of use, this plastic, which is riveted to the cover, tears and then you have two sections of Hymnal that aren't held together in the cover anymore.

For example:

This results in frustration and ultimately destroyed or lost pages.  The cover can't do its job of protecting the pages if they're not held INSIDE the cover, now can it?

I took this problem to my parents and my dad came up with this solution:

A plate with two rods in it, the rods to go through the spirals, and the whole thing bolts to the cover where the rivets used to be.

Step 1:
Drill out the rivets on the cover.

Step 2:
Make the plate.

 - Cut the plate
 - Drill the two 10x24 holes in each end
 - Make the bends
 - Spot-weld the corners to hold everything in place (for insurance, really)

Now drill your 3 center holes.  

The bottom hole is centered exactly 1 inch above the BOTTOM of the bent plate.  This is so that the hymnal will sit flat when in use and not "rock" on the nuts holding the rods in place.

As you can see, I'm measuring on the outside of the plate.

The other two holes are, obviously, located off the first hole and will match the spacing in the hymnal cover.

I recommend attaching the plate to the cover first, then attaching the pages.  It's easier.

Put the Rods through the top set of holes, through the spirals, and through the bottom set of holes.

Attach nuts to the top & bottom of the rods to keep them in place. Voila, a Permanently Fixed Hymnal. You can get black or brass-colored fasteners to make it pretty if you want; I like mine this way.

Coffee Shake!

One thing I've been really liking (almost to the point of addiction) is the McDonald's McCafe Mocha Frappe (a/k/a McDonald's Coffee Shake).  Well!  I can now make a pretty decent imitation of them in my kitchen!

Start with the "iced coffee concentrate" that the Pioneer Woman does.
Her recipe is basically 1 lb. of ground coffee, 2 gallons of cold water, steep for 8 hours, strain. You can read the linked article for exact steps and other ideas for your Iced Coffee once you have the concentrate.
I made it with 1/4 lb. of coffee and 2 Quarts of water.  I actually just let it steep overnight in the fridge, and I strained it through a coffee filter.  Takes  a while, so I may make myself a reusable "coffee bag" out of some old silk shirts I have so I don't have to do the straining thing.

Anyway, once I had the concentrate, I was ready.

1. Put ice cubes in a blender until they reach the 16-oz line.
2. Fill with iced coffee concentrate until the mix of ice and concentrate is at the 16-oz line.
3. Add 1/2 Tbsp. Pure Vanilla Extract (no, not the imitation stuff.)
4. Add chocolate syrup "until it looks good".  I added a couple squirts, maybe 2 Tbsps altogether.
5. Blend until the ice is all busted up and you have a shake!

 Because there's a LOT of air being injected into the mix as you blend, it'll actually fill about a 24-oz cup.

I tell you what, it's so doggone close it's unreal.  I did leave out the whipped cream  though - I didn't have any, and it doesn't really add anything to the shake except make it pretty.

Happy Anniversary, sweetie