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An Analogy

I sit at my campfire.  Today, it burns low.  It's hard to keep it high enough to provide the warmth and light that it used to.  The warmth keeps the pain away. The light enables me to find more fuel for the fire.  Sometimes, I have enough wood to feed the fire well, and the fire burns so high that I'm nice and toasty warm - and there's light enough to forage quite a distance for wood.  Sometimes, the wood I find is excellent fuel, and it burns long, hot, and brightly.  It lasts a long time. Other times, I don't find much more than a little bit of bark - or all I find is wood that burns up immediately, and doesn't provide much in the way of heat and light. I never know which kind of wood it will be, because it all looks the same.  I have to put it on the fire to see if today will be a good day, with a warm bright fire, or if today will be a dim, cold, bad day with a small glowing coal where a fire should be.
Always, always there is pain.  Sometimes the pain is a sma…
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Today I took Jeremy to the vet for an evaluation of his allergies and progression in "fixing" them.  The conclusion was that he's not getting better.  His skin was getting worse, even though he was on an allergy medication that should have fixed the issue - especially since he was getting serum shots (allergy shots) as well.
His arthritis has progressed rapidly as well - noticeably worse - just between the beginning of the year and now.
The conclusion was a probable autoimmune disorder, such as lupus - the most severe kind (SLE).  Treatment is immune suppressants, and massive doses of steroids.  Treatment may not even be that effective, and SLE can attack the entire system, including blood vessels and organs.  Since Jeremy's been so bad for so long, I expect he was having some organ damage as well as skin damage, which all would have only gotten worse over time.
So, I did the hardest thing for me, but the kindest thing for him.  He's not in pain anymore.  He'…
I've been thinking about grief, and to be honest, my sadness and grief is essentially all selfish. It's all "I" based - I miss him, I miss the things he did for me and for us, I miss having someone to talk to and someone tangible to "belong" to... Stuff  like that. NONE of it is because I doubt he is in heaven or anything like that.
So it's weird, but the articles, and books, and so on about "what it's like in heaven" that most people use / need for comfort really don't do anything for me. I guess it's because, even when I told the doctor to take Kev off  life support, I knew - and not just "knew", but KNEW with  a  bone - deep certainty - that he was in heaven.  I KNOW I will see him again. I KNOW he's far, far happier there than he ever could have been on earth.

My tears are not for him. They never were. They are for me. Yes, some of them are self - pitying. Some of them are just an overflow of pain that has  to hav…

"I gotta tell Kev..."

Not that I thought I'd suddenly stop thinking "I gotta tell Kev..." but sometimes it sneaks up on me and gut-punches me.  Yesterday I was driving by the Ford Dealership in town.  Background - their roof was destroyed by the sheer weight of snow over the last winter, so they took the building down and had a temporary trailer brought on-site to work from.  Kev and I had been speculating about whether or not they were going to rebuild or just go with the trailer.  So I saw as I drove by yesterday that hey, looks like they have a foundation marked out and poured for the new building.  And my first thought was "Oh wow, Kev'll be so surprised when I tell him...that....they...."
"Right.  Or, y'know....NOT.  :: sigh  :: "

We humans are, at heart, social creatures.  Even the most introverted of us need human interaction from someone.  If I were discussing canids, I'd probably refer to it as "pack" - and since that's the best analogy I can come up with, I'm gonna use it.

My "pack" is gone.  For more than 25 years I was part of the "Kim&Kev" pack.'s just "Kim".  So there's a part of me that is not only mourning the loss of Kevin, but is also frantically casting around for another "pack" to be a part of.  Not sure what to do about that.  Continue to hang out with friends is a good start, though.  And I do have many people who have volunteered their time to let me hang out with them.  :)  It's not the same, but then again, I didn't expect it to be.  I can't do that all the time, though - for one thing, it's not fair to Jeremy, who has also lost the primary member of his pack, the one that was always there.  I…


Watched Mission Impossible 3 last night.  Decent movie, if one is willing to accept that the MI movies are basically 2 hours of movie tropes strung together (which I was), and it's a fun ride.
Till the end.  Ethan Hunt delivers a big jolt of electricity to himself to deactivate some doober that was implanted in his head before it kills him.  The electricity stops his heart.  His wife starts CPR (totally unrealistic representation of it, obviously, but moving on...)
Since it was so unreal I was pretty much OK with it, until I was alone and  "Flash back" to September 28 in the ER at DeKalb, when they were doing CPR on Kevin.
Needless to say, it wasn't a good night for me...and today I'm even more scattered than I have usually been lately.
So.  End of whine for now, I suppose, except to say that this just pervades every aspect of my life right now.  I'm sure it will for a VERY long time...but it sucks to realize that even when I try to get away for a…