I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe

...when a friend sent me this. Since I thought it was so hilarious, I figured I should share it with anyone who reads my blog - and preserve it for posterity.

This apparently was a thread on a Usenet Newsgroup or a messageboard somewhere:




Anne V - 01:01 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Okay - I know how to take meat away from a dog. How do I take a dog away from meat? This is not, unfortunately, a joke.

AmyC - 01:02 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Um, can you give us a few more specifics here?

Anne V - 01:12 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - They're inside of it. They crawled inside, and now I have a giant incredibly heavy piece of carcass in my yard, with 2 dogs inside of it, and they are NOT getting bored of it and coming out. One of them is snoring. I have company arriving in three hours, and my current plan is to 1. put up a tent over said carcass and 2. hang thousands of fly strips inside it. This has been going on since about 6:40 this morning.

AmyC - 01:19 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Oh. My. God. What sort of carcass is big enough to hold a couple of dogs inside? Given the situation, I'm afraid you're not going to be create enough of a diversion to get the dogs out of the carrion, unless they like greeting company as much as they like rolling around in dead stuff. Which seems unlikely. Can you turn a hose on the festivities?

Ase Innes-Ker - 01:31 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - N I'm sorry Anne. I know this is a problem (and it would have driven me crazy), but it is also incredibly funny.

Anne V - 01:31 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Elk. Elk are very big this year, because of the rain and good grazing and so forth. They aren't rolling. They are alternately napping and eating. They each have a ribcage. Other dogs are working on them from the outside. It's all way too primal in my yard right now. We tried the hose trick. At someone elses house, which is where they climbed in and began to refuse to come out. Many hours ago. I think that the hose mostly helps keep them cool and dislodges little moist snacks for them. hose failed. My new hope is that if they all continue to eat at this rate, they will be finished before the houseguests arrive. The very urban houseguests. Oh, ghod - I know it's funny. It's appalling, and funny, and completely entirely representative of life with dogs.

Kristen R. - 01:37 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - . I'm so glad I read this thread, dogless as I am. Dogs in elk. Dogs in elk. Jaysus.

Anne V - 01:41 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - It's like that childrens book out there - dogs in elk, dogs on elk, dogs around elk, dogs outside elk. And there is some elk inside of, as well as on, each dog at this point.

CoseyMo - 01:49 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - "dogs in elk, dogs on elk, dogs around elk, dogs outside elk" This is, possibly, the ultimate tagline.

Anne V - 01:56 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - you may have it. Me, I have the dogs, and the elk. The tagline is available.

Elizabeth K - 01:57 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - # Anne, aren't you in Arizona or Nevada? There are elk there? I'm so confused! We definately need to see pics of Gus Pong and Jake in the elk carcass.

Anne V - 02:03 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - I am in New Mexico, but there are elk in both arizona and nevada, yes. There are elk all over the damn place. They don't look out very often. If you stand the ribcage on end they scramble to the top and look out, all red. Otherwise, you kinda have to get in there a little bit yourself to really see them. So I think there will not be pictures.

CoseyMo - 02:06 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - "all red." I'm not sure the deeper horror of all this was fully borne in upon me till I saw that little phrase.

Anne V - 02:10 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Well, you know, the Basenji (that would be Jake) is a desert dog, naturally, and infamous for it's aversion to water. And then, Gus Pong (who is coming to us, live, unamplified and with a terrific reverb which is making me a little dizzy) really doesn't mind water, but hates to be cold. Or soapy. And both of them can really run. Sprints of up to 35 mph have been clocked. So. If ever they come out, catching them and returning them to a condition where they can be considered house pets is not going to be, shall we say, pleasant.

CoseyMo - 02:15 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - What if you stand the ribcage on end, wait for them to look out, grab them when they do and pull?

Anne V - 02:18 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - They wedge their toes between the ribs. And scream. We tried that before we brought the elk home from the mountain with dogs inside. Jake nearly took my friends arm off. He's already short a toe, so he cherishes the 15 that remain.

CoseyMo - 02:19 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Oy.

Anne V - 02:23 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - vey iz mir

Linda Hewitt - 02:30 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Have you thought about calling your friendly vet and paying him to come pick up the dogs, elk and letting the dogs stay at the vets overnight. If anyone would know what to do, it would be your vet. It might cost some money, but it would solve the immediate crisis. Keep us posted.

ChristiPeters - 02:37 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Yikes! My sympathy! When I lived in New Mexico, my best friend's dog (the escape artist) was continually bringing home road kill. When there was no road kill convenient, he would visit the neighbor's house. Said neighbor slaughtered his own beef. The dog found all kinds of impossibly gross toys in the neighbor's trash pit. I have always had medium to large dogs. The smallest dog I ever had was a mutt from the SPCA who matured out at just above knee high and about 55 pounds. Our current dog (daughter's choice) is a Pomeranian. A very small Pomeranian. She's 8 months old now and not quite 4 pounds. I'm afraid I'll break her.

Lori Shiraishi - 02:38 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Bet you could fit a whole lot of Pomeranians in that there elk carcass! Anne - my condolences on what must be a unbelievable situation!

Anne V - 02:44 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - I did call my vet. He laughed until he was gagging and breathless. He says a lot of things, which can be summed as *what did you expect?* and *no, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.* He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home. Thanks, Lori. I am almost surrendered to the absurdity of it.

Lori Shiraishi - 02:49 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home. So he can fall down laughing in person?

Anne V - 02:50 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Basically, yeah. That would be about it.

AmyC - 02:56 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - no, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog. Oh, sweet lord, Anne. You have my deepest sympathies in this, perhaps the most peculiar of the Gus Pong Adventures. You are truly a woman of superhuman patience. wait -- you carried the carcass down from the mountains with the dogs inside?

Anne V - 02:59 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - the carcass down from the mountains with the dogs inside? no, well, sort of. My part in the whole thing was to get really stressed about a meeting that I had to go to, and say *yeah, ok, whatever* when it was suggested that the ribcages, since we couldn't get the dogs out of them and the dogs couldn't be left there, be brought to my house. Because, you know - I just thought they would get bored of it sooner or later. But it appears to be later, in the misty uncertain future, that they will get bored. Now, they are still interested. And very loud, one singing, one snoring.

Lori Shiraishi - 03:04 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - And very loud, one singing, one snoring. wow. I can't even begin to imagine the acoustics involved with singing from the inside of an elk.

Anne V - 03:04 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - reverb. lots and lots of reverb.

shechemist - 03:09 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Stop! Please Stop! I almost peed laughing so hard. Reverb! *hawl* Oh my. I have these...images and now sounds that will haunt me for the rest of the day. And I will start giggling. and it will scare my cow-orkers.

Anne V - 03:15 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - I'll tell you the thing that is causing me to lose it again and again, and then I have to go back outside and stay there for a while. After the meeting, I said to my (extraordinary) boss, *look, I've gotta go home for the rest of the day, I think. Jake and Gus Pong are inside some elk ribcages, and my dad is coming tonight, so I've got to get them out somehow.* And he said, pale and huge-eyed, *Annie, how did you explain the elk to the clients?* The poor, poor man thought I had the carcasses brought to work with me. For some reason, I find this deeply funny.

Linda Hewitt - 03:16 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Since no solution appears in sight. Why not get this moment preserved for prosterity by calling the TV stations. I bet they would love a human interest story like this. Having the TV stations there will also take the edge off of the situation with your urban company plus it will give you lots to talk ... laugh about. No worry. You and your guests are going to have a great time.

AmyC - 03:18 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Oh, god. I can't breathe!

Kristen R. - 03:19 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - I know, Amy! I just printed this to show to my friends. Do you mind, Annie?

Grace Newton - 03:44 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Anne V, now that I've wiped the tears away and have my breath back, I hope you're still there. Have you tried pouring something harmless but doggie revolting over the elk habitat? Diluted pepper sauce maybe. BTW, the reason I'm posting on a thread I've never appeared in before, a link to your story was dropped at Rick's Bar in the Politics folder. If it's any consulation, you're famous!

wordninja - 03:46 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - smooooootch I've got tears of laughter comin' out of my ol' eyes.
B

erry Gold - 03:51 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - hey...This could be a $10,000 kodak moment. Get a video cam and record the event then submit it to America`s Funniest Home Videos. Opportunity is a-knockin` here.

Abigail Quart - 07:27 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - . I've emailed it to my future brother-in-law (maybe HE will be able to read it to my sister without laughing hysterically) and read it to my Mom (while laughing but she just made me start over).

Linda Hewitt - 07:30 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - Annie, what the latest status on the dogs and the elk? Did you get your camcorder out to record it for all time?

Abigail Quart - 07:44 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - . *no, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.* As tagline potential goes, I feel the above has much to recommend it as a political metaphor.

Kali durga - 09:25 pm PDT - Sep 9, 1999 - HAR EHAWEROIUPSGN HAR HARR HARR HARR EEEEEEEAAA THIS is hysterical! elk ribs and doggies who can't be moved!!? I thought I was taking a break from the 'WACO' THREAD!!! BUT IT'S THE SAME DAMN STORY in metaphor!!!!! eeeeeeeYOWWWWWW red meat, can't let go...doggies in heat over a carcass...JESS like the Koresh crew RENO, CLINTON, RENO RENO RENO ELK ELK ELK DOGGIES AFTER RENO ELK. De (kali) THANX y'all and good luck with the doggies n elk. and i do mean 'N'

Terri-Lynn S. - 03:50 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - Anne V, thank you, thank you for the absolute, without a doubt best laugh of the week. I nearly peed in my pants reading about the dog/elk situation, and I must say you are keeping a remarkably cool head about everything. Update us, please!

AmyC - 05:22 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - How are you holding up this morning, Anne? I hope the dogs weren't out on the carcass all night, snoring and singing and whooping it up like sailors on leave.

CoseyMo - 06:39 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - Anne might not be around today. Which sucks - I *need* to know the end of this story.

Colette - 06:50 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - I would think the dogs are being bathed and the carnage in the yard is being cleaned up so as to keep preditors away, like mountain lions and bear; if she lives "out"

ChristiPeters - 07:07 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - OK, I'll just join the lot of you and wait until she has the time to relate... ... the rest of the story. (I really must learn to resist these impulses)

Jill F. - 10:35 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - Oh, I am crying laughing. I didn't think she could top the Indian food story.

CoseyMo - 10:43 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - Never underestimate the potential of a household containing Gus Pong. This last day and a half, I have begun to accost people in the office corridor, like the Ancient Mariner, in order that I may have the pleasure of relating his exploits. I tell the tale to people who are not even dog people and who merely look at me strangely and back away. I will say that listening to Annie makes my own houseful of dogs look like a Paradise of peace and civilization by comparison ... which is lucky for Tanya the Spazzed-Out Doberman in particular or I might've killed her by now . Her quirks -- such as her deep and abiding phobia regarding doors -- now seem positively benign.

marcia watson - 10:50 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - The suspense is killing me. You don't suppose that the dogs have dragged her into the carcass and are holding her hostage?

CoseyMo - 10:57 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - She said something about a long weekend off for Rosh Hashanah, so we may just have to sit tight till Monday. Worse for me as I'm on the East Coast and have to wait till well into my day before I can expect the latest :-)

Grace Newton - 11:04 am PDT - Sep 10, 1999 - I deeply regret I'm not a cartoonist. The images conjured by posts to this thread over the past two days cry out to be immortalized. Elk drunk dogs carousing atop rib cages, whooo. Got to stop, my family thinks I've lost it as it is.

Danielle Duperre - 07:25 am PDT - Sep 13, 1999 - Ok, Anne, holiday weekend's over. Talk to us!

Linda Hewitt - 08:34 am PDT - Sep 13, 1999 - The world is waiting Anne to hear the latest on Dogs 'N Elk.

Anne V - 08:37 am PDT - Sep 13, 1999 - So what we did was put the ribcages (containing dogs) on tarps and drag them around to the side yard, where I figured they would at least be harder to see, and then opened my bedroom window so that the dogs could let me know when they were ready to be plunged into a de-elking solution and let in the house. Then I went to the airport. Came home, no visible elk, no visible dogs. Peeked around the shrubs, and there they were, still in the elk. By this time, they had gnawed out some little portholes between some of the ribs, and you got the occasional very frightening glimpse of something moving around in there if you watched long enough. After a lot of agonizing, I went to bed. I closed the back door, made sure my window was open, talked to the dogs out of it until I was sure they knew it was open, and then I fell asleep. Sometimes, sleep is a mistake, no matter how tired you are. And especially if you are very very tired, and some of your dogs are outside, inside some elks. Because when you are that tired, you sleep through bumping kind of noises, or you kind of think that it's just the house guests. It was't the house guests. It was my dogs, having an attack of teamwork unprecedented in our domestic history. When I finally woke all the way up, it was to a horrible vision. Somehow, 3 dogs with a combined weight of about 90 pounds, managed to hoist one of the ribcages (the meatier one, of course) up 3 feet to rest on top of the swamp cooler outside the window, and push out the screen. What woke me was Gus Pong, howling in frustration from inside the ribcage, very close to my head, combined with feverish little grunts from Jake, who was standing on the nightstand, bracing himself against the curtains with remarkably bloody little feet. Here are some things I have learned, this Rosh Hashanah weekend: 1. almond milk removes elk blood from curtains and pillowcases, 2. We can all exercise superhuman strength when it comes to getting elk carcasses out of our yard, 3. The sight of elk ribcages hurtling over the fence really frightens the nice deputy sheriff who lives across the street, and 4. the dogs can pop the screens out of the windows, without damaging them, from either side.

ChristiPeters - 08:42 am PDT - Sep 13, 1999 - ROTFLMAO Annie, you should write a book of your dog-adventures! I know it probably wasn't funny to live through and, really, you have my sympathies, but it is hilarious reading!

AmyC - 09:53 am PDT - Sep 13, 1999 - Oh, Anne! What a way to ring in the new year! If you ever want to expose the Gus Pong Adventures to a wider audience, I will give you free space on my web site (holistichound.com -- but don't look yet! I'm almost done with the new redesign!). You could put in pictures and sound files and all manner of nifty things! The world needs Gus Pong!

Anne V - 09:58 am PDT - Sep 13, 1999 - What I am is really grateful that they didn't actually get the damn thing in the window, which is clearly the direction they were going in. And that the nice deputy didn't arrest me for terrifying her with elk parts before dawn.

AmyC - 09:59 am PDT - Sep 13, 1999 - Imagine waking up with a gnawed elk carcass in your bed, like a real-life "Godfather" with an all-dog cast.

Anne V - 10:01 am PDT - Sep 13, 1999 - There is not enough almond milk in the world to solve an event of that kind.