"I gotta tell Kev..."

Not that I thought I'd suddenly stop thinking "I gotta tell Kev..." but sometimes it sneaks up on me and gut-punches me.  Yesterday I was driving by the Ford Dealership in town.  Background - their roof was destroyed by the sheer weight of snow over the last winter, so they took the building down and had a temporary trailer brought on-site to work from.  Kev and I had been speculating about whether or not they were going to rebuild or just go with the trailer.  So I saw as I drove by yesterday that hey, looks like they have a foundation marked out and poured for the new building.  And my first thought was "Oh wow, Kev'll be so surprised when I tell him...that....they...."
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"Right.  Or, y'know....NOT.  :: sigh  :: "

We humans are, at heart, social creatures.  Even the most introverted of us need human interaction from someone.  If I were discussing canids, I'd probably refer to it as "pack" - and since that's the best analogy I can come up with, I'm gonna use it.

My "pack" is gone.  For more than 25 years I was part of the "Kim&Kev" pack.  Now...it's just "Kim".  So there's a part of me that is not only mourning the loss of Kevin, but is also frantically casting around for another "pack" to be a part of.  Not sure what to do about that.  Continue to hang out with friends is a good start, though.  And I do have many people who have volunteered their time to let me hang out with them.  :)  It's not the same, but then again, I didn't expect it to be.  I can't do that all the time, though - for one thing, it's not fair to Jeremy, who has also lost the primary member of his pack, the one that was always there.  I can't just run off and tend to MY needs without considering his.  It's not fair to him to leave him home alone all the time - I'm already gone at work during the week, and he needs some interaction too.  He's the most social dog we've ever had, and the poor dog needs more interaction than I've been able to give him lately.  So I'm working on that. 

whining

Watched Mission Impossible 3 last night.  Decent movie, if one is willing to accept that the MI movies are basically 2 hours of movie tropes strung together (which I was), and it's a fun ride.
Till the end.  Ethan Hunt delivers a big jolt of electricity to himself to deactivate some doober that was implanted in his head before it kills him.  The electricity stops his heart.  His wife starts CPR (totally unrealistic representation of it, obviously, but moving on...)
Since it was so unreal I was pretty much OK with it, until I was alone and then...wow.  "Flash back" to September 28 in the ER at DeKalb, when they were doing CPR on Kevin.
Needless to say, it wasn't a good night for me...and today I'm even more scattered than I have usually been lately.
So.  End of whine for now, I suppose, except to say that this just pervades every aspect of my life right now.  I'm sure it will for a VERY long time...but it sucks to realize that even when I try to get away for a few hours and enjoy myself, even that can (and will) have repercussions and pound me when I'm not expecting it. 

My brain is a jerk

Trying to get enough sleep this week has been...only moderately successful.  During the day, while I'm doing things, I can generally focus enough on what I'm doing to keep moving along.  Once the lights go off, though, and I can start to relax, my brain waits.
Waits until I'm starting to drift off.
Then - oh, then.

That is when it decides to replay the beginning and the end of the most horrible three days of my life.
"Hey, remember this?  Remember Kevin's heart stopping in the emergency room?  Remember THAT?"
Brain, we're not going to think about that.  I need some sleep.  Switching to hiking with Jeremy.
"Oh, Okay, we can do hiking with Jeremy.  RIGHT AFTER I REMIND YOU OF THE NEUROLOGIST TELLING YOU THERE WAS NO BRAIN ACTIVITY AND NO BLOOD CIRCULATION IN HIS BRAIN."
Seriously, brain, KNOCK IT OFF.
"No."

So, yeah...the only strategy I have right now is to read until I'm dang near falling asleep anyway and hoping that maybe THIS time I can get to sleep without that.  Doesn't usually work, but I keep hoping.

Anyway.  My brain is a jerk.

In other news

I have no idea why when I make a post it shows up as the post AND as the first comment to the same post.  If anyone has an idea how I can make THAT stop please leave a comment!  I tried searching but no dice, apparently either I'm the only one this is happening to or nobody else cares.  I think it's irritating.

Conundrum

Being home alone with the dog sucks.  Not that I don't love Jeremy, it's just that Kevin is supposed to be there.  And he's not.  So it sucks.
I can't NOT be there though - that's not fair to Jeremy.  Plus, I have to be there to clean (which, incidentally, also sucks.)  I'm not there = Stuff doesn't get clean.

Conundrum.

Workin on how to resolve that.


In other news, finally finished the process Kev & I started back in ... February?  March?  something like that.  I traded in the Focus on a Ford Escape (SUV, 4 wheel drive). It was an excellent price, in my opinion, for what I got, and I'm the only one in the vehicle now.  When I leave work, there's nobody that's expecting me to be anywhere at a certain time.  Nobody to call and say "hey, did you get delayed or are you in a ditch somewhere" if I'm not home by a particular time.  So...I figured a vehicle that handles the weather far better and that is far safer would be a prudent purchase.

Kev would've loved this thing.  Lots of options, nice vehicle....Also, he would've known instantly what kind of cable it needs to plug in my phone to the "line in" to listen to my phone music on the radio - and whether we HAD that type of cable, and if not, how to make one. 

Ran some errands today. Got the affidavit of survivorship filed with the county on  the house, paid the utility bill for the month, did some other stuff.

And now I'm absolutely exhausted.  Sometimes this all has a physical pain associated with it, but today, I feel like someone dropped a big chunk of gravity on me.

Everything is five  times as hard as it should  be. I'm pushing myself to do some things, because I know if I don't, I'll just stay in bed and do NOTHING, but right now I have reached the limit of what I can do.

Gigantic chunk of gravity, go away. I have stuff to do.