My company made the news!

21 Alive came to Extension yesterday and their visit was on the news!

I've been thinking about grief, and to be honest, my sadness and grief is essentially all selfish. It's all "I" based - I miss him, I miss the things he did for me and for us, I miss having someone to talk to and someone tangible to "belong" to... Stuff  like that. NONE of it is because I doubt he is in heaven or anything like that.
So it's weird, but the articles, and books, and so on about "what it's like in heaven" that most people use / need for comfort really don't do anything for me. I guess it's because, even when I told the doctor to take Kev off  life support, I knew - and not just "knew", but KNEW with  a  bone - deep certainty - that he was in heaven.  I KNOW I will see him again. I KNOW he's far, far happier there than he ever could have been on earth.

My tears are not for him. They never were. They are for me. Yes, some of them are self - pitying. Some of them are just an overflow of pain that has  to have an outlet. But they're all for me.

And, in the end, God will take this and turn it into a blessing. He didn't "take Kev" - that was never in the original blueprints.  But He can, and will, turn  even our greatest sorrows into joy.

"And we know that for those who love Him, God works in all things for the good of those who are called according to His purpose."
 - Romans 8:28

"I gotta tell Kev..."

Not that I thought I'd suddenly stop thinking "I gotta tell Kev..." but sometimes it sneaks up on me and gut-punches me.  Yesterday I was driving by the Ford Dealership in town.  Background - their roof was destroyed by the sheer weight of snow over the last winter, so they took the building down and had a temporary trailer brought on-site to work from.  Kev and I had been speculating about whether or not they were going to rebuild or just go with the trailer.  So I saw as I drove by yesterday that hey, looks like they have a foundation marked out and poured for the new building.  And my first thought was "Oh wow, Kev'll be so surprised when I tell him...that....they...."
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"Right.  Or, y'know....NOT.  :: sigh  :: "

We humans are, at heart, social creatures.  Even the most introverted of us need human interaction from someone.  If I were discussing canids, I'd probably refer to it as "pack" - and since that's the best analogy I can come up with, I'm gonna use it.

My "pack" is gone.  For more than 25 years I was part of the "Kim&Kev" pack.  Now...it's just "Kim".  So there's a part of me that is not only mourning the loss of Kevin, but is also frantically casting around for another "pack" to be a part of.  Not sure what to do about that.  Continue to hang out with friends is a good start, though.  And I do have many people who have volunteered their time to let me hang out with them.  :)  It's not the same, but then again, I didn't expect it to be.  I can't do that all the time, though - for one thing, it's not fair to Jeremy, who has also lost the primary member of his pack, the one that was always there.  I can't just run off and tend to MY needs without considering his.  It's not fair to him to leave him home alone all the time - I'm already gone at work during the week, and he needs some interaction too.  He's the most social dog we've ever had, and the poor dog needs more interaction than I've been able to give him lately.  So I'm working on that. 

whining

Watched Mission Impossible 3 last night.  Decent movie, if one is willing to accept that the MI movies are basically 2 hours of movie tropes strung together (which I was), and it's a fun ride.
Till the end.  Ethan Hunt delivers a big jolt of electricity to himself to deactivate some doober that was implanted in his head before it kills him.  The electricity stops his heart.  His wife starts CPR (totally unrealistic representation of it, obviously, but moving on...)
Since it was so unreal I was pretty much OK with it, until I was alone and then...wow.  "Flash back" to September 28 in the ER at DeKalb, when they were doing CPR on Kevin.
Needless to say, it wasn't a good night for me...and today I'm even more scattered than I have usually been lately.
So.  End of whine for now, I suppose, except to say that this just pervades every aspect of my life right now.  I'm sure it will for a VERY long time...but it sucks to realize that even when I try to get away for a few hours and enjoy myself, even that can (and will) have repercussions and pound me when I'm not expecting it. 

My brain is a jerk

Trying to get enough sleep this week has been...only moderately successful.  During the day, while I'm doing things, I can generally focus enough on what I'm doing to keep moving along.  Once the lights go off, though, and I can start to relax, my brain waits.
Waits until I'm starting to drift off.
Then - oh, then.

That is when it decides to replay the beginning and the end of the most horrible three days of my life.
"Hey, remember this?  Remember Kevin's heart stopping in the emergency room?  Remember THAT?"
Brain, we're not going to think about that.  I need some sleep.  Switching to hiking with Jeremy.
"Oh, Okay, we can do hiking with Jeremy.  RIGHT AFTER I REMIND YOU OF THE NEUROLOGIST TELLING YOU THERE WAS NO BRAIN ACTIVITY AND NO BLOOD CIRCULATION IN HIS BRAIN."
Seriously, brain, KNOCK IT OFF.
"No."

So, yeah...the only strategy I have right now is to read until I'm dang near falling asleep anyway and hoping that maybe THIS time I can get to sleep without that.  Doesn't usually work, but I keep hoping.

Anyway.  My brain is a jerk.

In other news

I have no idea why when I make a post it shows up as the post AND as the first comment to the same post.  If anyone has an idea how I can make THAT stop please leave a comment!  I tried searching but no dice, apparently either I'm the only one this is happening to or nobody else cares.  I think it's irritating.

Conundrum

Being home alone with the dog sucks.  Not that I don't love Jeremy, it's just that Kevin is supposed to be there.  And he's not.  So it sucks.
I can't NOT be there though - that's not fair to Jeremy.  Plus, I have to be there to clean (which, incidentally, also sucks.)  I'm not there = Stuff doesn't get clean.

Conundrum.

Workin on how to resolve that.


In other news, finally finished the process Kev & I started back in ... February?  March?  something like that.  I traded in the Focus on a Ford Escape (SUV, 4 wheel drive). It was an excellent price, in my opinion, for what I got, and I'm the only one in the vehicle now.  When I leave work, there's nobody that's expecting me to be anywhere at a certain time.  Nobody to call and say "hey, did you get delayed or are you in a ditch somewhere" if I'm not home by a particular time.  So...I figured a vehicle that handles the weather far better and that is far safer would be a prudent purchase.

Kev would've loved this thing.  Lots of options, nice vehicle....Also, he would've known instantly what kind of cable it needs to plug in my phone to the "line in" to listen to my phone music on the radio - and whether we HAD that type of cable, and if not, how to make one. 

Ran some errands today. Got the affidavit of survivorship filed with the county on  the house, paid the utility bill for the month, did some other stuff.

And now I'm absolutely exhausted.  Sometimes this all has a physical pain associated with it, but today, I feel like someone dropped a big chunk of gravity on me.

Everything is five  times as hard as it should  be. I'm pushing myself to do some things, because I know if I don't, I'll just stay in bed and do NOTHING, but right now I have reached the limit of what I can do.

Gigantic chunk of gravity, go away. I have stuff to do.

2 weeks after

Well...
I've been told I should chart my progress.  So I guess I will.  Such as it is.  I'm sure many of the posts on this blog are going to be whiny and depressing and will inspire anyone who reads it to think "jeez, just get OVER IT already and post about something NOT "oh poor me"", but that's where I am right now.

2 weeks have gone by since Kev died.  1 week since the funeral service.
Last night was a bad night.
Not much sleep, and what I did get was not GOOD sleep.
Yesterday was a decent day; I was in at least an even mood for most of the day...but last night, I turned out the light and everything slammed into me.  After sobbing for about half an hour, in which I could barely even move, let alone call anyone, it stopped.  I was "OK" after that, but calling anyone or talking to anyone would've just reopened everything and my head was already pounding so I just read for a bit to try to settle down.
Because of that, I didn't actually get to sleep until after midnight and I think I woke up about a berjillion times.  So....yeah, today is not a good day, either.

I am going to check the schedule and see if there's leeway to take tomorrow all day and maybe Friday morning off, so I can have some "down time" for a bit.  I don't know if it'll help, but I do know the sleep / rest will.

Plus, cleaning.  I need to get more cleaned up.  Not just want...NEED.

And I gotta hit eBay and check out the going rate on some of the stuff I want to get rid of, like the Roleplaying books...although I do plan to give certain people first crack at them (Tom, Kae, looking at you...let me know if you're interested and I'll send you a list of what I can find.  It's not all D&D stuff).

Anyway, that's where I am today.  The light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and it hit me at full speed last night.  To quote the great Egon Spengler: "I feel like the floor of a taxicab."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Obviously nothing makes the pain go away.  But honestly, spending time with friends helps, because it gives a break from the pain and my own thoughts.

The problem is, I have all these people who say "if there's anything I can do, just say so"...but...

From early on, most people are trained that "it's not polite to invite yourself over to someone's house".  Yet, that's what I really need to do...call them and ask, "Hey, do you have some time where I could come over?"  And boy HOWDY does that feel icky.  Especially since most of it is going to be after work...which means I'm inviting myself over for dinner, too.  Man.  Talk about presumptuous and rude.

If there's someone in your life that has lost a loved one, and you don't know what to do to help...please, invite them over.  They won't necessarily call and ask, because see above about "icky" and "it's presumptuous and rude to invite yourself to someone's house", but man do they need people and to get out of the house and visit.  And keep inviting them.  Let them know you're there and that you will be there for them.   Make the invitations for a specific date and time - find something that works for both you and them and make concrete plans.  Seriously, it's hard to overcome that early training and call someone and say "can I come over"...and quite frankly, the person mourning is having to deal with enough as it is without having to deal with that too.

Maybe eventually they'll be able to say "hey, can I come over" without feeling weird about it.

Back to work...

So...everything is just WEIRD.  The house is quiet -- TOO quiet.  Where Kev went, there went sound.  So yeah, that's strange.

Got the checkbook mostly updated, and it's "close enough for now".  So there's that.

I"ve heard it said that when someone you love dies, they leave a "that person"-shaped hole in your heart.  It's not true.  When you really love someone, they permeate every part of your life, like tree roots in the ground.  So when they die...it's not a "that person"-shaped hole...those roots, those tendrils are *ripped* out.  It doesn't leave a hole...it shreds your heart.

Thanks be to God for His support and love, and His wisdom in providing many, MANY friends and family to help.  It's been a phenomenally difficult couple of weeks, but my family,  the members of Zion, and my friends at work have all been incredibly supportive and helpful.

I don't know if Kev ever knew or realized how MANY people's lives he touched, and how many people will miss him.